Well folks, we did it!  We survived Shark Week 2014 dry as a bone and slightly (tremendously?) more scared to venture back into the water.  We met some interesting characters around the way (i.e., "Dickie" the stoner shark enthusiast, shark photographer and master of overall bad-assery Andy Casagrande and Paul de Gelder, who you'll be introduced to shortly) and learned many an interesting tidbit.  And now it's time to put this baby to bed.  

BUT before I do, I have one last show to recap:  Great.  White.  MATRIX.  

Confession:  I had to take a brief pause from my shark-ing last week to get some much needed R&R - as it turns out, talking about my love/terror-inducing relationship with sharks is not only physically draining, but mentally and emotionally draining as well (even as I write this, I have Usher lyrics dancing through my head).  Why, you might ask?  Because I owe it to myself, to you fans-of-fin and to sharks near and far to do the subject justice and pay homage to not just any apex predator, but THE apex predator.  But I'M BACK BABY!!  And ready to take this last Shark Week 2014 post to pound town.  

I've chosen to highlight this particular program in my last post for one reason and one reason only:  Paul de Gelder.  For those of you yet unfamiliar with this hero among heroes, let me sum it up for you:

1. He's hot.  Like REAL hot.  Like "I-would-get-in-the-water-for-you-and-you-alone" hot.
2. He is an Australian Navy diver.  Hello accent.    
   
3. He was participating in a Navy training exercise (clearly learning the newest puppy-saving techniques) in Sydney Harbour when a Bull Shark attacked him.
4. He lost an arm AND a leg in a shark attack but despite that continues to have a very positive outlook on life and healthy respect for the species.
5. We're totally Facebook friends.

So let's see what Paul and Andy have in store for us in GREAT WHITE MATRIX.  Andy Casagrande and PDG take us to Port Stephens, Australia, where countless Great Whites are roaming the coastline and appear to be feasting on humans.  The dynamic duo attempts to uncover the reasons why sharks are congregating here and posits that perhaps the answer to this mystery can actually be found in the bites of these sharks.  BUCKLE UP.

Andy has designed a special camera rig that will allow him to capture a Great White bite from all angles during an attack, so all they need to do now is find the sharks (SPOILER ALERT:  They totally find them).  First, they take to the skies, locating the sharks from a helicopter.  They then trail the sharks by boat, finding out that, apparently, and contrary to previously held beliefs, these guys are constantly cruising into the bay areas near surf clubs and people-populated beaches.  Clearly they're on the lookout for Jimmy Buffet.  Duh.  In this part of Australia, there are up to 250 Great Whites in the surf at any one time.  

Why here?  Because this is the one spot where warm and cold areas of ocean are mixed together by a massive vortex of currents, which supercharges the marine food chain (...I'm just going to say it:  Think "sharknado.").  So apparently no one has ever filmed sharks in this area from the water...until now.  Andy decides to jump in with a juvenile Great White CAGE-FREE!!  And we all know that teenagers (shark or otherwise) can be moody and unstable, what with new hormones pumping through their system and nothing but angst to cling to, so this is going to be good.  

They lure one Great White close to the boat so Andy can get a good shot, but then the shark lures Andy out from the boat and blocks his return path.  And so the student becomes the teacher.  Andy does survive.  Barely.  And then he and PDG head out to an area where larger prey attracts larger Great Whites.  Here, they both get in without a cage to check it out.  PDG is nervous, which is totes adorable. 

After the dive, they meet with a professor who drops some knowledge on them regarding the shark attacks on record and what they mean:  apparently, most people bitten by Great Whites are bitten by sharks 2-2.5 meters in length, which is around the size they are when fish stop being a sufficient food source (i.e., when they graduate up to bigger prey), so they are probably just giving humans exploratory bites that are confused for attacks.

So PDG and Andy take this knowledge to the other side of the country - to the Neptune Islands, where huge adult Great Whites are known to feed.  Andy gets in the cage with his rigged up camera arc and "a notoriously aggressive dominant male," Sidewinder, shows up.  The crew starts baiting the water while Andy films from below, and Andy nails the shot.  From his footage, we learn that in an adolescent shark, the lower jaw is poised to bite but the upper jaw remains stationary (i.e., an attack from a juvenile Great White is survivable...as opposed to an attack from Juvenile, the rapper).  But with an adult, its jaws reach maximum width when it bites, and it bites not just with its teeth, but with its entire body.  Instant DEATH.

Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• White Sharks in Capetown, South Africa, will use penguins as target practice while they are learning to hunt seals.  WHAT?!!
  
• Juvenile White Sharks learn to hunt surface level prey in the shallows by going after birds chilling on the surface.
• Attacks on Australia's West Coast are on the rise because sharks follow populations of seals from the Neptune Islands to that area of the coast.

Bottom Line:  "With Great White Sharks, size matters."

So there you have it - Shark Week 2014.  AND SCENE.

ZOMBIE SHARKS:  Well let's face it.  They had me at "zombie."  But zombies AND sharks??  In ONE badass program?!  Sign.  Me.  Up.  I've been talking about a shark version of The Walking Dead for years, since zombies are basically just the dead version of land sharks - rubbery skin, crazy eyes and out for nothing but human blood.  Sharknadoes?  Please - totally unrealistic.  But land sharks (i.e., zombies)??  Absolutely.

The program opens with a disclaimer:  "Handling of sharks is not advised.  It's nuts."  Thank you, Captain Obvious.  But the real scary thought?  That they needed this disclaimer in the first place.  That means some yahoo out there saw Shark Week and fancied himself invincible.  Rookie mistake.  However, I kind of hope that dude lost, like, a toe, because a) he deserves to get bitten, but b) he does not deserve to have an awesome shark attack story he can brag about at dinner parties.  GEEZ.

So we find out that Great Whites - previously thought to be THE predator to be reckoned with - are being "hunted" by something.  Some mysterious force has been manhandling these sharks.  And they think it might be...wait for it...ORCAS.  This is like Christmas morning (I would assume) for ocean lovers the world over - sharks AND orcas in the same program??  

Great Whites are, supposedly, apex predators, which by definition means there is NO GREATER NATURAL PREDATOR out there (i.e., no next rung to get to - this is it), so how can there possibly be something hunting them?  Eli Martinez, a shark diver and conservationist, believes the only way that a predator could trump a Great White would be to put the Great White into an immobile state and wonders if other ocean predators have evolved and adapted, somehow figuring out how to exploit a shark's hidden weakness - tonic immobility.  

Tonic immobility is a defense mechanism in many other animals but is induced in a shark when turned upside down.  Eli decides to test this theory - first on Silk Sharks, then on Reef Sharks, and then on Tigers.  They use chain mail suits to protect themselves from the bites.  Not gonna lie, it was hard to take them seriously, as all I could think about was a Renaissance Fair (mmmm, turkey legs).  We learn that larger sharks (like Reef Sharks and Tigers), which are harder to fully flip over, can be put into a tonic state by "overstimulating the shark's electrical sensors," called the ampullae of lorenzini.  When they do this, they, and I quote, "send the shark into a state of ecstasy."  Whoa.  When that happens, they can stand the sharks up vertically by the nose.  It's equal parts breathtaking and terrifying, because you know the second the shark comes out of that state he's going to be pissed that they made him look stupid.

Luckily (or sadly, depending on your taste), everyone comes out of these trials unscathed.  So they believe sending a Great White into this state is possible, but what is capable of doing that?  ORCAS.  The team locates a family pod and then Eli gets in the water with them...without a cage.  But GET THIS:  he befriends them by snapping.  Apparently, orcas love a snap (they are fascinated by hands.  True story.).  It's in this segment we learn that not only are orcas capable of sending sharks into tonic states, but that they do this, like, ALL the time.  Tonic immobility is snoozeville to orcas, a skill they mastered long ago.  First they karate chop (technical term) the shark with their tails to stun it and then flip it over so they can eat as a pack at their own pace.  So mystery solved - the orca is the culprit here (which isn't surprising, given that they are pretty much dressed up as old-timey French robbers).

Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• Silk sharks are one of the fastest species of shark in the ocean.
• Tiger Sharks can weigh up to a ton and are known for their bone-crushing jaws.  UM if you know anything about sharks, it's that Tigers are the worst.  Like will eat anything at all worst.  Like "oh-look-at-that-rusted-out-car-over-there-I-think-I'll-give-it-a-try" worst.  UGH. 
• Orcas are the most advanced hunters in the ocean - they even beach themselves to snatch seals and create waves to knock prey from floating ice (that's dedication).
• Each population of orcas has a favorite food and, thus, has developed a specialized hunting strategy in order to obtain it.
• Orcas live in family pods and work together to hunt, a la wolves.

Bottom Line:  Orcas rule, sharks drool.


SPAWN OF JAWS:  The Birth:  This program involves a search for the birthing locale of one Great White.  We learn at the outset that no one has ever revealed the nursery of a Great White - one of the truly baffling open-ended questions of our time.  We know how a Great White stalks its prey, how they attack and how they mate, but what we have yet to learn is where exactly they give birth to their pups.

The show's protagonist, shark scientist Dr. Michael Domeier, thinks he has the answer - "natal homing."  Under this theory, a Great White would return to her birthplace to birth her own pups.  To prove this, Mike comes up with a newly designed tag and, with the help of Paul Walker, manages to finagle it on to the dorsal fin of a recently impregnated Great White he dubs "Gill Rakers."  Ms. Rakers is the biggest shark EVER captured and tagged anywhere in the world.  Sharks have an 18-24 month long gestation period, so the duo make plans to reunite in a year to use the tag to track Gill down and locate her birthing center.  Unfortunately, Paul passed away three weeks later.  It should be noted that Discovery Channel did a great job of paying homage to Paul Walker - a true supporter of sharks and ocean conservation generally.  

The mission continues in Paul's absence.  They track Gill up the Oregon coast line where she heads to feed on the seal population before she returns down the California coast line and settles out around Santa Monica beach.  It is here the team believes she plans to birth her babies.  To test this theory, they look for evidence of other Great White pups in the area - and they actually find one!  This is a landmark achievement, as footage of a Great White pup this young had never before been captured.  So Mike is pretty sure Santa Monica is the spot...but Gill throws him for a loop.

Apparently, she's got post-birth 'ritas on the brain - she bee-lines it for the Sea of Cortez, one of the most lawless fishing areas in the world, and one where Great Whites have been killed on the regular.  All the sudden, her tag just shuts off, causing the audience major heart palpitations.  Apparently "finning" - the deplorable act of killing sharks for their fins and tossing their bodies - is quite common in this area, especially during the Great White's birthing season.  Moreover, there is a commercial fishing operation taking place in the area.  So Gill is literally risking her life to pup.  Mike heads down to Mexico to try to find her and finds clues that Great Whites are around.  Many sharks go to shallow, coastal areas, away from predators, to pup, which is what Mike is hoping that Gill herself has done.  Using the water surface temperatures from the area, and cross-referencing it with Gill's last "ping" on their radar, they locate her, alive and well!  Mission accomplished.

PSA Time:  I may joke about sharks being my enemy, but finning is a brutal and totally disgusting practice.  Not only that, sharks are absolutely beautiful creatures who play a very valuable role within their ecosystem - killing off an apex predator can do nothing but hurt the remaining living things within that system, which in turn can have an effect on the surrounding ecosystems (including our own).  I am 100% against the killing of sharks, for this or any purpose, as I have a healthy respect for the species and for their natural environment.

 Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• Open wounds on a shark might suggest that the shark recently mated, as a male will bite her to hold her in position.
• A preggo shark needs to consume more than 20 lbs of food every day.
• Great Whites ram their seal prey with the same force as a human car going 25 mph.  
• Over 2000 Great Whites patrol the coast of California, and 97% of all shark attacks there are by Great Whites (while either searching for food or scoping out a place to pup).
• Both Great Whites and Lemon sharks give live birth to a litter of around 12 pups every 2 years.
• 2/3 of a shark's brain is dedicated to the nose - their sense of smell is so sensitive that it could detect a chicken nugget in an area 16 times the size of central park!

Ready, set, SHARK.

ALIEN SHARKS:  Return to the Abyss:  A program dedicated to exploring the deepest depths of the ocean in hopes of not only viewing the rarest shark species out there, but also discovering entirely new species of sharks.  This is absolutely amazing - how is it that we are STILL discovering new creatures?  The ocean floor is one of the least explored and understood parts of the wide world - less is known about our oceans and what is out there than space.  Think about that for a minute.  We live on earth and still know less about it than we do about what's NOT. ON. EARTH.  FREAKY. 

The expedition, set 1200 miles off the tip of Africa to plumb the depths of the Southwest Indian Ridge in the Indian Ocean, was searching for one shark in particular - the Big Eye Ragged-Tooth Shark, one of the rarest sharks on the planet.  This is, apparently, the "holy grail" for shark biologists.  Unfortunately, this illusive specimen didn't turn up, but in the meantime, what did we find??  LOTS-O-SHARKS:

Bottom Line:  "The deeper you go, the stranger it gets."

LAIR OF THE MEGA SHARK:  On Stewart Island, off the coast of New Zealand, stories have circulated about a giant Great White, a possible monster-size shark, and a group of researchers, including shark experts Jeff Kurr and Andy Casagrande, set out to find it.  

This island was once a whaling center, and some believe that the whale blood in the water created the perfect feeding ground for some of the biggest (and most aggressive) Great Whites in the world.  In fact, the indigenous tribes tell tales of a shark known as the Mango Taniwha - a supernatural, shark-like being said to be as big as a whale.  Jeff and Andy aim to get to the bottom of this "shark tale."  Yep, I went there.  FUN FACT:  Andy is one of the only photographers willing to get in the water with these extra-aggressive New Zealand White Sharks...so you know it's going to be good viewing.

Andy immediately starts the expedition off by jumping in with a pack of Great Whites SANS-cage, quickly realizes that was a bad move, and then gets into a cage no bigger than he is...and which looks just as flimsy.  While in there, he is surrounded by a gang of circling sharks, just looking for the right moment to snag him.  He survives (phew!), but the crew hears about an old, nearby shipwreck thought to be the stomping ground for many Great Whites.  Is anyone else picturing the shark gang from Finding Nemo?  Because I'm having trouble picturing anything else.

At this point, they drop a shark spy camera down into the water and see a massive shark approach.  They miss the opportunity to track that guy, but they hatch a plan to MANUALLY place a fin cam on the dorsal of another Great White so they can track him to the shark hideout.  To place the camera on the shark, Jeff and Andy get into a dinghy - a boat smaller than most of the sharks they are luring in - and Andy manages to finagle the camera onto one of the sharks.

They then track the big boy to an area with some underwater caverns, so Andy and "Kina" (a local shark expert and enthusiast) dive INTO the caves.  It's a nail-biter, but they escape unscathed, only to then drop a cage into the middle of a feeding frenzy where they are continually pummeled by a pack of Great Whites!  The pack suddenly disperses to make way for the Alpha - he's HUGE.  He bombards the cage until Andy and Kina yell "uncle" and get the team to pull them up.  The sheer size of the shark encountered proves that the legend of Mango Taniwha isn't that far-fetched, and that an even BIGGER shark may be out there.

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUN.

That's it for day 3 - great programs tonight, DC.  I'm impressed.   

Let's just dive right in (pun intended):

GREAT WHITE SERIAL KILLER:  #ExtraSharky:  A program dedicated to understanding a series of Great White shark attacks off the coast of Lompoke, California, at a place called Surf Beach.  The first fatal attack (on young Lucas Ransom) happened in October of 2010, and the second (on Francisco Solorio) happened exactly 2 years and one day later at the same beach.  Coincidence??  I think not.

As the researchers explain, most shark "attacks" are actually not attacks at all, but investigation bites - these Great Whites don't have hands (duh), so they have to use their mouths to do the investigating.  While these bites do leave tooth punctures and are often mistaken for attacks, they are generally non-fatal.  But at Surf Beach, this wasn't the modus operandi.  Rather, shark scientists discovered that these were true, predatory attacks, made by a Great White in full-blown hunting mode.  These two attacks, two years apart, shared many of the same characteristics, begging the question of whether Surf Beach is just an area that attracts Great Whites...or if there is a Great White serial killer lurking in the shadows. 

The investigation takes the crew to New Zealand, to an area some of the most aggressive Great Whites on the planet call home, to compare the nature of those aggressive predators with the nature of the attacks made at Surf Beach.  It is here that, among a number of Great Whites, we meet the real star of the show, "Slash" - a Great White with a giant gash near its mouth who became a local legend after escaping a fisherman's hook.  Ol' Slash is, apparently, master of the "sneak attack."  

The crew then takes its observations from the New Zealand sharks back to California, where, to get a better idea of what a shark attack by a Great White looks like to a victim, one researcher gets in a submerged shark cage with a plexiglass panel (i.e., NO. BARS.).  Panic ensues, especially when an 18 ft Great White shows up and immediately starts attacking the cage's flotation devices in an effort to sink the cage (think Deep Blue Sea, but FOR REAL).  WHAT!?!  Craziness.

But back to the facts - we learn that Great Whites, especially pregnant females, hit the same migratory routes year after year, which could support the theory that these attacks at Surf Beach were made by one angry lady.  Apparently, on these migratory routes, the sharks congregate at specific locations (called anchor points), a tactic to which human serial killers are also prone.  The researchers then bring in a criminal profiler who has been conducting a study in which Great White hunting techniques are compared to those of serial killers, and GUESS WHAT:  the same algorithm that works for predicting serial killers' next moves works on Great Whites - these majestic sea monsters have specific anchor points for ambushing seals that can be geographically predicted.

But the question remains - were the attacks at Surf Beach the work of a single predator, or is there a herd of Great Whites silently waiting off the coast?  Evidence shows that more than one animal was likely involved, as high levels of domoic acid in the water (the highest on the entire West Coast, actually) were shown to be causing massive fish casualties in the area, bringing in larger predators like sharks and seals.  And (GET THIS) domoic acid also makes seals lethargic and almost drunk-like in their mannerisms, making them easy prey for sharks.  It's no wonder Surf Beach turned into an all-you-can-eat shark-style buffet!

Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• There are only 220 Great Whites in California waters.
• Great Whites are actually pretty choosy about what they attack - they won't eat just anybody.
• White Sharks have been known to change their diet based on the availability of prey (e.g., fish v. seals).
• Floating stationary on a surf board may be more dangerous than actually surfing - most attacks on surfers take place while they are waiting for waves as opposed to actually surfing them, and in the tests conducted, a non-moving decoy proved to be more attractive to the sharks than a moving one.
• Most apex predators use anchor points (e.g., lions, bears and SHARKS).
• Biggest difference between human serial killers and Great Whites?  Motivation - humans kill for psychological reasons, sharks kill for survival.

Bottom Line:  "The most dangerous sharks aren't the ones you see - it's the ones you never see coming."  Truth bombs.

JAWS STRIKES BACK:  In this program, an underwater shark camera, called Shark Cam, is used to film sharks at depths of up to 300 feet below the surface as they stalk elephant seals at Guadalupe Island, 250 miles off the San Diego coast line.  In other words, the researchers were going to use this underwater camera to determine what an attack looks like from the victim's point of view.  And since most victims a) are seals, and b) rarely (if ever) survive, such behavior that far below the surface has never before been documented.  Until NOW.

We learn that no one has actually seen a Great White attack an elephant seal in what should be a feeding paradise, which doesn't make a lot of sense given that there are seals EVERYWHERE on this island and there are sharks EVERYWHERE beneath the surface.  The researchers think it's because the attacks are happening down in the depths of the ocean, but they want to see if they can prove it.

So over the course of the show, we see the researchers tag three Great Whites at the surface of the water - "Johnny Shark," "Lupita" and "Deep Blue" - so that they can use Shark Cam to track them and film them underwater.  Those sharks then immediately dive down to 300-400 feet below the surface!  We discover that they do this because, while the waters around Guadalupe Island are generally clear, at those depths these large predators can't be spotted by their prey.  We then watch as Shark Cam documents repeated attacks on itself from predators flying up at it from directly below!  This was, apparently, the first time ever that a vertical deep water strike has been filmed.  We made history, friends!  And yes, I said "we," because I'm totally taking credit as part of the team on this.

I now know what being eaten alive looks like, and all I can say is THANK YOU, Discovery Channel, for the friendly reminder as to why I no longer get in the water.  I think I'm good for another year.

Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• More than 100 Great Whites gather at Guadalupe Island at this time of year, traveling more than 1000 miles to get there from an area in the Central Pacific known as the "Great White Cafe."
• Prime Great White chow time:  sunset.
• Great Whites roll their eyes back into their heads when attacking prey.
• A pregnant Great White could give birth to up to 14 live pups, each up to 5 ft long!

Bottom Line:  "It's a bad day to be an elephant seal."  Truer words have never been spoken.

MONSTER HAMMERHEAD:  A program about a legendary GIANT hammerhead shark spotted for years off the coasts of Florida and the Bahamas.  I know what you're thinking - this smacks of the Megalodon and Submarine mock-umentary debacle.  And you would be correct, as the "film" opens with this disclaimer:  "Stories of the 'Monster Hammerhead' are based on accounts from fishermen.  Trust them as you see fit."  In other words, complete hogwash.  

I will admit that I started watching it, because although the storyline is ridiculous, the program had some truly breathtaking footage of actual hammerheads, sharks which I think are absolutely beautiful.  

But then it got out of hand.  Apparently, the monster hammerhead star of this show is known as 'Old Hitler' to Boca Grande locals.  He has another alias - The Harbour Master - when he operates in the Bahamas.  Quotes by "eye-witnesses" included these gems:

• "Old Hitler would fight you to death."
• "Old Hitler would not let a fisherman catch him."
• "You gotta respect the sea."

All true.  Both when applied to hammerhead-Hitler and, well, real Hitler.

Somewhat entertaining, right?  BUT then I heard this:  "And later...sharks with freakin' laser beams."  No.  NO WAY.  I had to stop watching, as I will not support such obvious pandering.  Discovery Channel, you're better than that.  If I wanted to watch a ridiculous shark spoof, I'd have tuned in to SyFy for Sharnado 2: The Second One.  

It's the most wonderful time of the year.  No, it's not Christmas, IT'S FREAKIN' SHARK WEEK!  Which is better.  Because...SHARKS.  What is Shark Week, you might ask?

Well, as all great stories begin, once upon a time, a handsome prince (here, The Discovery Channel) set out to save a maiden (here, sharks) from a very villainous force (here, death and extinction).  Alright, maybe it doesn't quite fit the typical fairy tale model, but the bottom line is that in 1988, The Discovery Channel realized sharks were in very real danger of dying out and/or being hunted down, and in an effort (a quite brilliant one, I might add) to raise both awareness and a healthy respect for the species the world over, the network began an annual series of week-long programming dedicated to these mysterious, majestic and misunderstood sea creatures.  And so began the greatest period in our nation's history.  Note:  Not an over-statement.  Simple fact.

Fist-bumps to you, Discovery Channel, for realizing educational programming need not be boring.  Especially when the subject is SHARKS.  So for the next week, I will be providing takeaways, tips and (obviously) opinionated commentary on SW2014's programming.  Yay!  AND SO IT BEGINS.

AIR JAWS:  FIN OF FURY:  Every year, SW does at least one Air Jaws program, where actual shark experts (Note:  not fakers) search for the largest "jumping" Great White sharks out there (i.e., Great Whites that fly out of the water when attacking their favorite prey:  seals).  These programs are made up of awesome, adrenaline-pumping footage, where we wait on the edge of our seats as the crew comes closer and closer to getting the "money shot" - capturing a Great White in full breach, where the shark's entire body flies OUT. OF. THE. WATER. and nabs a seal (or seal decoy, as the case may be) in mid-air.  The catch is you have to sit through the entire program to get to that scene - the rest of the program is made up of the hunt for these sharks and near misses as the sharks come close to but not quite out of the water while stalking their prey.

This year, the producers changed it up a bit.  Instead of searching for Air Jaws, General, the team searches for Air Jaws, Specific - a shark they've dubbed Colossus - a shark so big (approx. 15 feet) that when it breached it melted faces.  This year, the crew is on a mission to find this particular shark, which hasn't been seen since its first appearance on Air Jaws back in 2011.  

The team begins its search off the coast of South Africa near Seal Island (obviously, a place where a bunch of seals hang out, despite the fact that every shark on the planet knows about it.  Stupid seals.), where Colossus was last seen so many moons ago.  It's there that the team decides to follow another large male Great White in hopes that it will lead them to Colossus' lair.  It's also at this point that we learn Colossus runs with a dangerous posse, made up of at least two other Great Whites named 'Kaz' and 'Shy Guy' (think Regulators, but with SHARKS).  Those two are spotted, but Don Colossus is nowhere to be found.  

AND that's when they learn that the sharks are heading to a super-secret submerged reef system called York Shoal to regroup.  Sidenote:  Is this not just THE perfect story line for a Saturday morning cartoon about a mafioso shark and his henchmen??  Give me a buzz, Nickelodeon - I've already got the whole first season worked out.

ANYHOO they find this lair, but Colossus is a no-show.  But does this deter the crew?  No way.  Instead they put up Colossus WANTED posters (yep, true story).  AND it's here that we meet the greatest thing to happen to TV since, well, Shark Week began...DICKIE.  Dickie is a local shark enthusiast who spies the wanted posters and comes up with the brilliant idea to make a life-size cardboard she-shark (yes, thin, flimsy cardboard) and get on it in the middle of a group of sharks to see if, by chance, Colossus will show up.  HOLY SHARK MEAT, BATMAN.  Colossus is, again, a no-show, but that's cool because Dickie almost dies.  

Then the crew (and Dickie) head to New Zealand, where one of them gets into a WASP (Water Armor Shark Protection device), which is a one-man shark cage, and goes down amidst 15-18 foot Great Whites that continue to attack this quasi-cage.  At one point he actually OPENS THE CAGE to take photos of the sharks as they swoop in for a bite.  W.T.F.  Colossus isn't there (duh) so they go back to Seal Island.  It's the last day of shark season and it's the last hour on the boat when we FINALLY get the money shot - Colossus falls for the ol' fake seal lure and jumps out of the water.  I can now sleep easier(?) knowing that Colossus is still alive and well and wreaking havoc on the seal population of South Africa. 

Factual Takeaways and Interesting Tidbits:

• The Great White's dorsal fin is like a human fingerprint - no two are the same.
• New Zealand is a prime destination for adult male Great White sharks, BUT there has been a genetic link discovered between sharks in the oceans around South Africa and the oceans around New Zealand/Australia, showing that the sharks make that trek year after year...or at the very least "hook up" in the middle, probably using Fin-der (the shark version of Tinder).
• Crew discovered that some sharks in New Zealand display a gang-style mentality, which is characteristic of Killer Whales but seldom witnessed in Great Whites.
• Sharks have been known to follow the same cycles of migration across oceans for two-year periods.

Bottom Line:  Sharks rule, humans drool.

SHARK OF DARKNESS:  WRATH OF SUBMARINE:  So...here's the thing (she said as she cleared her throat and stepped up to the soapbox).  Discovery Channel prides itself on giving its audience educational, and entertaining, programs, but such programs are usually (if not always) fact-based.  Last year, the station took a lot of flack for opening up SW2013 with a program about Megalodon, which was clearly canned, because they never stated it was a dramatization and apparently aired "real life footage" that didn't actually exist as part of the show.  People were pissed.  Not gonna lie, I definitely was.  Watching this year's opening "movie" rubbed me the same wrong way, though I will note that, this time, they at least provided the following disclaimer before it aired:  "Events may have been dramatized, but many believe Submarine exists today."

I'll say this - it's possible this Submarine movie (about a 35 foot-long shark named Submarine that attacked a whale watching expedition) may actually be based on fact.  But I'm not buying it.  Fool me once, Discovery Channel, shame on you.  But fool me twice...  They did, however, lure me in to watching the entirety of the program with this gem:  "One loan super-shark with an insatiable appetite for human blood."  I mean, if you're going to script this thing, go for the gold, and Discovery Channel, you nailed it.  Up top.

SO instead of going through this program, I'm going to provide a bulleted list of what NOT to do if you're trying to convince viewers that your dramatization is actually a documentary.  In no particular order:

• You cannot have an entire cast made up of pretty people.  Your "survivors" should, at the very least, be missing some limbs OR LOOK DISHEVELED.
• Your "witnesses" should not appear calm, cool and collected.  And they CERTAINLY shouldn't smile. 
• If the boat that capsized had time to float for a few miles before taking on water, they had time to call for help themselves (you even showed us the equipment) - that's why you always ALWAYS go with an electrical storm.  Duh.
  
• Never cast a hottie as an EMT.  You can't be that hot and that heroic and survive.
• Definitely don't talk about Orcas in the middle of a shark program - that would NEVER happen.  The battle lines between Team Orca and Team Shark go way to deep. 
• If your shark villain is going to have a distinguishing scar, do not make it a lightning bolt on its forehead, a la Harry Potter.
• Key to knowing this was more of a "movie" than a real show:  Discovery channel would NEVER say a shark's favorite meal is people.  Like never.  Never EVER.  EVERY fact-based SW program focuses on explaining why sharks are misunderstood and why people mistakenly get attacked by them (and it's always because they look like seals/real shark food). 

So there you have it - SW2014, Day 1, in a nutshell.  Hope your Monday is filled with sharks and flowers!

Dear Loyal Readers (a.k.a., other Idle Minds) - There will be no entry this week, as I need to prepare for SHARK WEEK 2014 (cue the Jaws music).  But don't fret!  Tune in starting next Monday for DAILY recaps of lessons learned and survival take-aways from each action-packed SW2014 program.

Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water.  NOPE.  Good thing you have me to be your shark sherpa.  It's about to get real.

For those of you not up-to-date on your 'Shark News' (totally unacceptable), Katharine is a massive Great White Shark bee-lining it to the Texas coast like her fins are on fire.  Researchers and scientists alike are puzzled as to why she's heading here at all, but, more specifically, what's her hurry?  The answer:  ME.  

I am equal parts terrified by and in awe of sharks, and the Great White Shark is at the top of my "Know Your Enemy" list.  Yes, I have a list of enemies, and once you're on there, it is nearly impossible to get off.  I'm looking at you, Mandy Moore (Note:  I would have cited to IMDB, but I refuse to consider her an actress...which is a subject for another day).  ANYWAY I want to make this clear from the outset:  I think sharks are truly beautiful and amazing creatures.  Creatures that are, literally, perfect killing machines.  They haven't evolved in millions of years because they haven't had to.  And because of my healthy respect for the species, I stay out of the water, and they stay off land...for now.  

But this Katharine brod is now bum-rushing Texas like she's about to sprout legs and start walking on (or out of) water.  I've known this day was coming and have been squawking about it for years, and it's finally here.  The day has arrived when sharks come in droves to wait just inside the waters of the Texas shores for the day I drop my guard and dip a toe in the water.  Yes, much like the field in Field of Dreams, I built this metaphorical soapbox, and now the sharks are gathering like someone chummed the water on Christmas morning.  They heard tales that I bravely got ankle-deep into the water in Costa Rica, and now they think it's only a matter of time until I do it again.  Well, my prophecy has come to pass; Katharine is just the first one to arrive.  And her timing is epic.  

It's July 4th weekend - the one weekend when all anyone can think about is the beach, fireworks and a good old fashioned BBQ.  And to be fair, that's all Katharine is thinking about, too...though she prefers her meat raw.  She's even brought a bratty little sister along to join her at the table:  Betsy.  Betsy is a (slightly) smaller Great White Shark also presently calling the Gulf of Mexico home.  She's moving a little slower than Katharine, but don't be fooled - she's just as real.  This Thelma & Louise-like duo is taking our warm waters by storm, and I'm sure the rest of the shark "fuzz" won't be far behind.

And what is with these names??  Do the powers that be (otherwise known as "Those-With-The-Authority-To-Name-Sharks") think that by tagging these trail blazers with innocuous and, quite frankly, BORING names, people won't be as intrigued, terrified or razor-sharp focused on the impending shark plague (think:   locusts of Egypt but with fins instead of wings.  Obviously.)?  Think again.  What kind of person spells the name 'Katherine' with a random 'A' in the middle of it?  Who ARE these shark namers?  Real talk:  much like the strippers of the world who spell their names with little hearts over the i's, you are only giving a disservice to these creatures.  Those glued to a computer screen tracking these ladies are rolling their eyes at you in outrage and disgust.  I mean really.  If I have to be eaten, can't it be by a shark named 'Fang' or 'Bruiser' or 'Jaws'?  'Katharine' is just embarrassing.  Like one step up from Cindi (with an i).  And don't think that Little Miss Katharine herself isn't pissed about this.  After me, I have a feeling you fools are now at the top of her "Know Your Prey" list.

Katharine, I know you're out there, and I've got my eye on you.  Let's just call a truce:  I won't get in the water this weekend, and you won't eat me, mmkay??  And for the love of all that is holy, slow your roll.

Winged creatures:  one shade away from dinosaurs.  Literally, the predators of the sky.  How is it possible, one might ask, that some of these creatures have evolved (regressed?) past the point of having hands while others have, instead, upped their predator rating and developed CLAWS??  Easy answer:  birds are dumb, and bats are badass (but terrifying) vampires.  

My premise, in a nutshell, is that birds are FREAKS because they don't have hands, but bats are SCARIER FREAKS because they do.  Let's take a closer look:

I have not been more than ankle deep in the ocean in over eight years.  Some people think that's ridiculous, but I think it's realistic.  You see, the sharks and I have reached an understanding - they don't come into my realm and I certainly do my best to stay out of theirs.  And guess what?  I have had exactly zero shark bites (way to keep up your end of the bargain, sharks!).  The whole not-evolving-to-the-point-of-growing-legs-and-an-ability-to-breathe-out-of-the-water thing is their part of the bargain (you're welcome, humans).  And the number one shark keeping me out of the water (other than the Great White, which will get its own, much-deserved post another day):  Megalodon.

Now, some people do not believe in the existence of Megalodon.  Like the boogey man, Dracula and other things that go bump in the night, some believe Megalodon to be nothing more than a scary story.  But I beg to differ.  Just take a look at the video above.  That thing is real.  And not only is it a predator, it eats the scariest predator we know about for breakfast.  Mind.  Blown.
 
They may never actually use the word 'Megalodon,' but that is obviously the only logical answer to the question 'what ate this shark?'  And it is predators like this (and really just the mere suggestion of their existence) that lead me to keep my feet on dry land.  Let me be clear - I think sharks are absolutely beautiful and amazing creatures.  And I believe they serve a purpose within their delicate ecosystems.  But we do not.  

So, to sum it up:  stay dry, my friends.