My premise, in a nutshell, is that birds are FREAKS because they don't have hands, but bats are SCARIER FREAKS because they do. Let's take a closer look:
Ah, the bird. These winged-creatures have pea-sized brains, wear feathers (for crying out loud) and totter around on skinny, toothpick-like legs when they aren't pecking someone's eyes out. To sum up, they are basically Mother Nature's bimbos. Not only that, they are dirty. Like REAL dirty. Like probably haven't bathed ever unless they happened upon a water source that a human put out for them. Lazy jerks.
But my biggest problem with birds is this: they don't have hands. This lack of hands is really setting them back, evolution-wise. They have to build their own homes like plebs, using only things they can fit in their MOUTHS and making multiple trips just to find enough materials to put a bed together. And they can't even eat properly. These flying vermin have to swallow gravel with their food, just to cut it up! Some of us (who won't be named) have trouble using chopsticks, but at least we don't have to scour the ground for ROCKS in order to get our own food down our gullets. I mean, really. And baby birds are the worst offenders - they wait for someone else to chew their food first (probably with gravel) and spit it into their mouths in order to survive (see above, re the laziness of birds). They think they're so special. They're NOT. If I have to chew, so should they.
Even with all this, the worst part about not having hands has to be that if they fall over, they're done. Like that's it, game over, I'll see you next week (right where you left me).
Because how else are they going to get back up? Is another bird is going to help them?? I think not. That other bird is just going to look at him with an oddly bobbing head, like "dude, you knew you had one shot at standing, and you blew it." And this bird "friend" of his certainly can't help him up, as that requires hands.
And don't you let them lure you in with their fancy, multi-colored robes (also known as wings) to get you to help them up - I'm hip to their game. We can't let allow this laziness continue. The only way to win is to keep ignoring them. Then, if it's really important, they can quit being lazy, grow hands and start holding up signs.
Parrots are almost there; I can feel it...
Bats. A whole different animal. Literally.
Bats are terrifying. Don't let the image to the left fool you - this little guy would rip your face off with his bare hands if you tried to take away his mellon. AND that, in a nutshell, is why bats are not to be messed with - they have hands.
These creatures have taken evolution to a whole new level. Not only can they fly AND eat solid foods, they can pick things up and hold on to them. They are winning the mammal olympics for sure. And unlike birds, they can't fall down. To them, that's just sleeping. Nowhere to build a nest? No problem - they'll just find a hook and hang there. That's right. I said HANG.
As humans, I think we try to ignore this skill of theirs. You certainly don't see any posters of cute, cuddly bats hanging from a rope with the words "Hang In There" plastered on any office cubicles. That space is reserved for those furry friends who won't claw your face off (though I think we can all agree that cats are a close second on the scale of mammals likely to kill you in your sleep).
We have to pretend that this fact doesn't bother us, if only to sleep at night. If we buy into the premise that bats are so limber and agile that they could literally be anywhere, we wouldn't be able to get anything done. We'd all be way too worried about the forthcoming bat rebellion.
If you live in Houston or Austin (or, obviously, Transylvania), you know that bats are often seen under bridges. Society tries to make us more comfortable with this by telling us that they kill mosquitoes. And maybe they do. But that's because mosquitoes are their competition when it comes to their food source: US. So of course they're going to kill mosquitoes: a) the mosquitoes are the Jets to their Sharks; and b) killing a mosquito is way easier than killing a human, and the mosquito already did the leg work.
And when they're hanging under those bridges, leering at you from on top of the world as you run by, just remember: that squeaking isn't them saying hi. It's them telling you, Grim Reaper-style, that your time has come and that they're coming for you. And remember, they have HANDS.