(Other title considered:  "Oh no, True Blood is over!  How will I ever- OH look, something shiny!")

For those of you not "in the (vampire) know," HBO's cult hit, True Blood, had its series finale this past Sunday.  If you haven't seen the show, all you need to know is this:  Vampires exist, and everyone knows about it.  Ever since vampires "came out of the coffin," the citizens of one very unlucky small town, and, in particular, one Miss Sookie Stackhouse, have been terrorized, as vampires and other scary mythical creatures alike (and, also, MANY stupid creatures no one cares about) seem determined to make the underworld pilgrimage to Renard Parish, aka, the undisputed location of the gates of hell, located in - you guessed it - Louisiana (I mean, is there a better place for a Hell Mouth?!).

Even as I attempt to explain the show, I'm embarrassed that I watch it.  When it FIRST started, I was able to make the argument that the show was truly an allegory, using story lines about vampire rights to make statements about civil rights issues in the world today.  AND then they introduced werewolves, shape shifters (i.e., humans that can change into animals other than wolves...and also wolves), faeries (think fairies...spelled funny), witches, were-panthers (i.e., humans that can change into - wait for it - panthers) and maenads (I still don't even know what this is - presumably some sort of demon) into the mix.  Suddenly a show that started out gritty, dirty (in a good way) and super violent became a parody of itself, seemingly overnight.  And that all happened in season two.  THIS SHOW WENT ON FOR SEVEN SEASONS.

But it wasn't all bad - the show did a lot of things right.  But also a LOT of things bad.  Let's take a look:

   1.     HOTNESS:  Everyone in the case was hot.  Like REAL hot.  Like "you-can-bite-me-anywhere-as-long-as-you-give-me-a-sexy-smirk-first" hot.  See below, just for a taste:

   2.     VAMPIRES:  The show did vampires incredibly well.  They made them mysterious, and sultry, and managed to make each one surprisingly unique.  They made them into characters you swore you would never want to meet in a dark alley...but also secretly prayed you would one day.  Basically, they nailed the vampire formula:  scary enough to frighten you, but hot enough that you pine for terror.  The best part of the show, in my well-vampire-versed opinion, were the flashbacks (think Wayne's World-style, but with less wiggle and more smoke and mirrors...literally), where over the course of the show we learned how each vampire came to be, and why each now had a tortured soul that repulsed you but at the same time drew you in.  Those sneaky vamps.   

And they should have stuck with what they knew.  Vampires alone can carry a show for any number of seasons.  Don't believe me?  Look at all the other vampire-themed shows out there (e.g., The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, Buffy, Angel, Blade (YES - apparently, there was a TV show.  I was SHOCKED...and so SO excited.)).  They should have picked a horse and stuck with it, a la The Walking Dead.  

   3.     VIOLENCE:  When your subject matter is vampires, you get a lot of leeway when it comes to the violence factor.  Especially when your show is on HBO.  And True Blood nailed it with the vampire deaths.  They were GROSS.  They were hard to watch at times.  And they were always brutal.  All characteristics of what a good Death-By-Vampire should be.  If a vamp is going to kill you - whether you're a human or another vampire - it's not going to be easy...and you're definitely not going to enjoy it.  In addition to the victim death rattles (I can't believe we didn't get to see Tara's lip quiver one last time), there were many battle scenes over the show's history.  Like when the vamps battled the witches on the mean streets of Shreveport.  Or when the healthy vamps battled the sickly, Hep-V vamps (yep, you missed a lot) outside of Bellefleur's.  The battle scenes were always well done.  And you were almost always guaranteed to lose a character you actually liked in the mix.  Way to keep us on our toes, TB.

   1.     THE ACTING:  Unfortunately, much of the acting on the show left more than a little something to be desired.  Don't get me wrong, some of it was great.  For example, Alexander Skarsgard gave us a fantastic portrayal of viking vampire GOD Eric Northman - the callous tin man to Sookie's Dorothy.  You knew he was bad news, but he showed us a softer side, too, and it made us love him forever.  Or Deborah Ann Woll as Jessica, the goody-two-shoes turned vamp that was all wholesome and good until she wanted to explore her dark side before returning to Hoyt, where we knew she belonged all along.

UNFORTUNATELY, not all of the shows actors rose to that level of greatness.  Case in point, the show's two main characters:  Sookie (the faery telepath who pulls all these creatures to Bon Temps like moths to a flame) played by  Anna Paquin, and Vampire Bill (Sookie's on-again-off-again vampire love interest) played by Stephen Moyer.  Sookie always looks like she's a few cats shy of a nuthouse, and she always takes at least two full seconds to have a simple reaction to other people's lines or emotions.  Bill, on the other hand, has an ultra-creepy way of saying "SOOKIE" - like he's hissing at her.  And every time his fangs pop out, he quivers his lips.  It's not sexy.  It's repulsive.  He also attempts to walk with swagger...which he does not have.  I mean, REALLY.  He's in skinny jeans.  Always.

   2.     THE ACCENTS:  The Louisiana accent all the characters on the show were expected to have was grating.  In all fairness, most of the actors playing these Louisiana "natives" actually had foreign accents that they had to overcome in order to play these cats.  Alexander (yep, we're on a first name basis) is originally from Sweden, Stephen Moyer is from Essex, and Ryan Kwanten (who plays Sookie's adorable, but bumbling, brother) is from Australia.  And Stephen and Ryan are both supposed to play characters from DEEP woods Louisiana.  All I can say is thank GOD they are easy on the eyes.  Same holds true for all of the cast members, though I do admit that at some point the accents became horribly lovable and endearing.  Maybe I'm just a softie at heart, but I may actually miss some of those accents (probably not, but I will miss the actors trying their darndest to use them).

   3.      THE STORY LINES:  There was just too much going on at any one time.  You want to give us a show about vampires living amongst humans in (almost) perfect harmony?  Great.  But you want to compound that with threats from witches and demons?  It gets a little murky.  And those are "beings" that we've actually heard of!  Throw in were-panthers, maenads and shape-shifters (all of which could be found in any ONE episode of the show), and viewers' brains are bound to explode.  And that's basically exactly what happened.  It just got too convoluted.  To the point that if you missed one episode, there was no going back.  And who could keep track of all the various types of villainous misfits threatening the safety of the Bon Temps residents??  It was just too much.  And not "too much of a good thing" too much.  Just TOO MUCH.  

And unfortunately, the fact that we, as viewers, had come to expect death, destruction and convoluted plot twists from each and every episode of the seven season show is exactly why people were disappointed with the hum-drum series finale.  There wasn't even a creatively brutal death scene!  C'mon, HBO - do what you do best:  gross us out, devastate us with a surprise death and send us on our merry way.

So, to sum up, it's the end of an era...but maybe that's not such a bad thing in this case?  Though I will be mourning the loss of such a high level of testosterone in one show for a very VERY long time...or at least until Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead come back on.

If you weren't one of the thousands of kids rushing home from school in a panic over missing the first few action-packed moments of The Disney Channel’s afternoon line-up, then you have lived an incomplete life.  From roughly 1990 to 1993, before graduating to shows like Hey Dude, Salute Your Shorts and (later) My So-Called Life (i.e., real teen angsty shit), my after-school life consisted of nothing but cartoon ducks, bears and chipmunks.  If you’re thinking that makes me a loser, you a) clearly never saw these shows and b) have an opinion that means absolutely SQUAT to me, so move it along.  Though all the shows that played on the Disney Afternoon block are near and dear to my heart, I choose to honor three specific programs for their high quality hijinks and general awesomeness.  In no particular order:

TaleSpin:  This show focused on the adventures of Baloo the bear (yes, from The Jungle Book), working as a pilot for an air cargo freight business in the tropical paradise of Cape Suzette (sadly, Cape Suzette is not real.  Trust me, I’ve looked into it.).  Baloo’s business is bought out by a sassy Rebecca Cunningham when Baloo is delinquent in payment (sending a good message to little girls the world over – ladies, you CAN have it all…if the “all” you’re seeking is to be a bear and order around a snarky pilot who you have a secret crush on).  The possibilities for romance between Baloo and Rebecca are seemingly endless, but (spoiler alert) it never actually happens.   Baloo is joined by his second in command – orphan boy and former air pirate Kit Cloudkicker (think Yogi and Boo-Boo but with more heart), and this rag-tag bunch gets into a series of misadventures as they fight to prevent air pirates and other would-be street toughs from entering their fair city.  These cubs are the unsung heroes of Cape Suzette, but tales of their bravery in thwarting off constant and unwelcome attempts at invasion by bad-news-wolf Don Karnage will live on in 90s lore.  AND in this blog.

Chip ’n Dale Rescue Rangers:  Every straight-laced dude (or chipmunk, in this case) needs a balancing act, just like every yin needs a yang.  Think Joe and Brian from Wings, or Richard and Larry from Weekend at Bernie’s, and Chip and Dale are no exception.  Chip and Dale (but let’s face it, mainly Chip) start the Rescue Rangers detective agency, along with gal-pal Gadget (the real brains of the operation, and the source of some bro-code problems between Chip and Dale, who are both clearly in love with her despite their ‘munks-before-punks’ attitudes), Monterrey Jack (a bad ass giant mouse, duh) and Zipper (a fly who speaks only in buzzes, a la Lassie).  Though they take on all kinds of cases (those “too small” for regular beat cops to handle), they often face the same nemeses:  Fat Cat (a tabby cat mafioso type) and mad scientist extraordinaire Norton Nimnul.  Our protagonist crime-stoppers foil devious plots and stop would-be villains from succeeding in their evil schemes in each adrenaline-pumping half-hour episode, all while dealing with the drama of working alongside their best buds.  Hilarity quite obviously ensues. 

And last, but certainly not least, no reference to The Disney Afternoon would be complete withput a true hat tip to the star of the line-up, DuckTales.  If you never saw Scrooge McDuck swan dive (pun intended) into a room full of gold coins, I’m sad for you and you are clearly living an unfulfilled life.  That opening scene alone was the sole image that drove me to strive for success in my own life – I aspired to one day have my own room full of beautiful coins to dive into.  I’m pretty close, too…just 50 or so more years to go.  Scrooge McDuck is the curmudgeon-y great uncle to trouble makers Huey, Dewey and Louie (distinguishable by their color-coordinated hats and sweaters), dumped fortuitously on his doorstep one fateful day by dead-beat dad Donald Duck (don't even get me started on that loser - couldn't even afford pants).  Scrooge is the richest duck in the world and is obviously trying to stay that way, but “lesser” ducks (most notably, Flintheart Glomgold, the world’s second-richest duck (and therefore known as the 'first loser' among duck-kind)) are always after his coins.  At the heart of Scrooge's gold collection is his Number One Dime, the coin that he believes paved the way for the rest of his fortune to come rolling in, and all of the show's villains are striving to pry it from his feathery grasp.  Good luck, chumps – Scrooge-y-poo and his clever ducklings are always one waddle ahead of you.

At this point, I could go into pages of discussion and analysis as to why I loved each of these shows, the lessons I took away from them and how each had a hand in turning me into the well-adjusted, idle-minded lady I am today, but I can sum it up with just five words:  Disney Afternoon Equals Pure Bliss.

A girl's first crush is the one she never forgets.  He's usually mysterious, yet approachable, and obviously unobtainable.  And mine was all of those things rolled up into one perfect specimen:  Kevin Bacon.  

Here's the thing - while most girls only get to imagine what it would be like to meet their childhood crush, I actually got the chance.  And it was before I moved on to more age-appropriate crushes like Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zach Morris) or Scott Speedman (Ben Covington).   I was twelve years old, a mere tween, and Kevin Bacon came to my town to film Apollo 13.  That fateful night, my mother dragged me to the Houston Rockets game.  Full of embarrassment at having to be seen out in public with my mother and angst at, well, being twelve, I begrudgingly joined her at the game.  And that's when I spotted him:  the love of my life, sitting court-side with the rest of the cast (yes, I was using binoculars...at a Rockets game...in jorts).  On the dare of my mother, I actually marched myself down there (NOTE:  This was either before they checked tickets or before they started worrying about twelve year old girls in jorts and braces making a scene).  PS, this might have been the bravest thing I had ever done.

So there I was, walking up to the man of my dreams, Rockets flyer in hand, ready for a signature.  AND then I saw him turning other people away.  "This can't be," I said to myself.  I mean, we were destined to meet - he shows up in MY hometown, and he's not even going to meet me?  I think not.  I knew once he saw my braces-filled smile and long gangly tween figure, he'd be hooked.

So I pushed forward, flyer in hand and putting on my best please-love-me smile, hoping to convince him to make an exception for me.  AND HE DID.  But only after Big Boobs McGee walked by and he made an exception for her.  Then he saw me and knew there was no getting out of it.  So he signed my Rockets flyer(!), gave me a smile and went back to his game-watching, and I ran back to my seat with my trophy.  That thing hung above my bed for longer than I'd care to admit, but I never forgot about that moment.  

And, if you ask me, Le Bacon is still brutally hot.

We open on a "sick" Ferris determined to convince his parents to let him stay home from school - a situation all of us have been in at some point in our lives.  But Ferris does us one better - he gives us a list of How-Tos to do it - a "must see" for any high school freshmen out there.  After winning that opening battle, he begins leading the viewer on a series of adventures - nothing crazy, all things that a typical high school senior could do:  fancy lunch, a trip to the museum, a baseball game and a little pool time.  Oh, yeah, he also gains access to a Ferrari.  You know, typical high school stuff.

ANYWAY Ferris, Cameron and Ferris' girlfriend, Sloan Peterson (who I always want to be for Halloween, but finding a white suede puffy coat with elaborate fringe isn't as easy as one might think), then embark on a series of adventures all over the city of Chicago.  At one point, they even happen upon a parade (naturally) where Ferris finagles his way into singing on a float, capturing the hearts of every girl watching.  After a long day of rabble-rousing, the trio heads home, Ferris on a race-against-time to beat his parents back to the house (SPOILER ALERT:  he makes it).

But it's what this all adds up to that makes Mr. Bueller my hero - he fleeces EVERYONE in the movie.  And they all love him for it.  In fact, he has enriched their lives by giving them an opportunity to play a small part in his - something we should all aspire to.  He also shows us the importance of stopping to look around and enjoy life's moments rather than always looking ahead to see what's next.  And he does it all while wearing leopard.  Again, swoon.

So here's to you, Mr. Bueller.  May your days be filled with adventure and your singing always be dubbed.