I am equal parts terrified by and in awe of sharks, and the Great White Shark is at the top of my "Know Your Enemy" list. Yes, I have a list of enemies, and once you're on there, it is nearly impossible to get off. I'm looking at you, Mandy Moore (Note: I would have cited to IMDB, but I refuse to consider her an actress...which is a subject for another day). ANYWAY I want to make this clear from the outset: I think sharks are truly beautiful and amazing creatures. Creatures that are, literally, perfect killing machines. They haven't evolved in millions of years because they haven't had to. And because of my healthy respect for the species, I stay out of the water, and they stay off land...for now.
But this Katharine brod is now bum-rushing Texas like she's about to sprout legs and start walking on (or out of) water. I've known this day was coming and have been squawking about it for years, and it's finally here. The day has arrived when sharks come in droves to wait just inside the waters of the Texas shores for the day I drop my guard and dip a toe in the water. Yes, much like the field in Field of Dreams, I built this metaphorical soapbox, and now the sharks are gathering like someone chummed the water on Christmas morning. They heard tales that I bravely got ankle-deep into the water in Costa Rica, and now they think it's only a matter of time until I do it again. Well, my prophecy has come to pass; Katharine is just the first one to arrive. And her timing is epic.
It's July 4th weekend - the one weekend when all anyone can think about is the beach, fireworks and a good old fashioned BBQ. And to be fair, that's all Katharine is thinking about, too...though she prefers her meat raw. She's even brought a bratty little sister along to join her at the table: Betsy. Betsy is a (slightly) smaller Great White Shark also presently calling the Gulf of Mexico home. She's moving a little slower than Katharine, but don't be fooled - she's just as real. This Thelma & Louise-like duo is taking our warm waters by storm, and I'm sure the rest of the shark "fuzz" won't be far behind.
And what is with these names?? Do the powers that be (otherwise known as "Those-With-The-Authority-To-Name-Sharks") think that by tagging these trail blazers with innocuous and, quite frankly, BORING names, people won't be as intrigued, terrified or razor-sharp focused on the impending shark plague (think: locusts of Egypt but with fins instead of wings. Obviously.)? Think again. What kind of person spells the name 'Katherine' with a random 'A' in the middle of it? Who ARE these shark namers? Real talk: much like the strippers of the world who spell their names with little hearts over the i's, you are only giving a disservice to these creatures. Those glued to a computer screen tracking these ladies are rolling their eyes at you in outrage and disgust. I mean really. If I have to be eaten, can't it be by a shark named 'Fang' or 'Bruiser' or 'Jaws'? 'Katharine' is just embarrassing. Like one step up from Cindi (with an i). And don't think that Little Miss Katharine herself isn't pissed about this. After me, I have a feeling you fools are now at the top of her "Know Your Prey" list.
Katharine, I know you're out there, and I've got my eye on you. Let's just call a truce: I won't get in the water this weekend, and you won't eat me, mmkay?? And for the love of all that is holy, slow your roll.