I know some of you saw this title and immediately rolled your eyes and thought “oh boo-hoo for you, GOD I wish I was tall.” You (a) are obviously average height or shorter; (b) have probably never hit your head on a ceiling or wall hanging; and (c) are clearly speaking from an unenlightened perspective.
Well, I’ve been in the 95th percentile of height for my age group since I was 5, and I can tell you this: being tall ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. As Kermit the Frog once lamented the harsh realities of going through life green, we “Talls” of the world have been bombarded with our own unique set of obstacles and commentary.
If you’ve ever been asked “how’s the weather up there,” this post is for you. If you’ve ever gotten the “I bet you played basketball in school” comment, I feel your pain…and high five, since we probably played against each other at some point. And, finally, if you’ve ever heard the dreaded “can you stand in the back for this photo so you don’t block anyone,” I share your murderous rage.
Shorties out there, here’s something you don’t get – being tall is great, functionally, but it’s a pain in the ass when it comes to socializing.
Well, I’ve been in the 95th percentile of height for my age group since I was 5, and I can tell you this: being tall ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. As Kermit the Frog once lamented the harsh realities of going through life green, we “Talls” of the world have been bombarded with our own unique set of obstacles and commentary.
If you’ve ever been asked “how’s the weather up there,” this post is for you. If you’ve ever gotten the “I bet you played basketball in school” comment, I feel your pain…and high five, since we probably played against each other at some point. And, finally, if you’ve ever heard the dreaded “can you stand in the back for this photo so you don’t block anyone,” I share your murderous rage.
Shorties out there, here’s something you don’t get – being tall is great, functionally, but it’s a pain in the ass when it comes to socializing.
THE PROS
This guy. - It’s easy to find your friends in a crowded room because, well, you can see over the heads of many.
- It’s easy for your friends to find you because giants tend to stand out. See Big Tex.
- People sometimes think you’re a famous athlete for, like, half a second. Sometimes.
- You can reach things other people can’t without a ladder.
- You have go-go-Gadget arms and can win almost any tickle-fight.
AND that’s it. See, the list really isn’t long. NOW let’s look at the Cons:
THE CONS
1. You never, EVER, get to be in the front for a photo, meaning you probably shouldn’t worry about wearing a cute outfit because, when future historians of the world look back at those photos (I know the paps are constantly snapping photos of me - you too, right?), no one will be able to tell.
2. Tall guys NEVER want to date tall girls. Ever. Like never ever. Tall men appear to have an aversion to tall women. They avoid them like the plague. Rather, they seem drawn to the shorties of the world. Perhaps that’s because men LIKE to feel like giants any time they can, as opposed to most tall women I know, who want to stand tall, but not necessarily tower. Now, on the other side of the coin:
3. Small guys ALWAYS want to date tall girls. I don’t know what it is, but shorter men are drawn to tall girls like moths to a flame – it’s like their DNA realizes that it needs to merge with some taller DNA for the sake of their would-be-children. That’s not a bad thing, EXCEPT: Most tall girls want to date guys their height or taller.
2. Tall guys NEVER want to date tall girls. Ever. Like never ever. Tall men appear to have an aversion to tall women. They avoid them like the plague. Rather, they seem drawn to the shorties of the world. Perhaps that’s because men LIKE to feel like giants any time they can, as opposed to most tall women I know, who want to stand tall, but not necessarily tower. Now, on the other side of the coin:
3. Small guys ALWAYS want to date tall girls. I don’t know what it is, but shorter men are drawn to tall girls like moths to a flame – it’s like their DNA realizes that it needs to merge with some taller DNA for the sake of their would-be-children. That’s not a bad thing, EXCEPT: Most tall girls want to date guys their height or taller.
- Most girls want to feel safe in a relationship, both physically and emotionally, and being with someone “bigger” than us can give us that feeling (or at least the illusion) of physical security. Basically, I just want to know that if someone steps to me in da club, I’m with someone who will step back. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be physically bigger than me, but, if not, your personality and confidence level need to make you 10 feet tall.
- Friends always try to set us up with shrimps. They’ve always got “the perfect guy,” who, they’ll say, is tall (generally). This is equivalent to being “kinda tall, with hair.” NOTE: If anyone ever says that to you, be ready to be set up with someone at least 5 inches shorter than you are. It’s a given.
He's wearing this outfit because tall people clothes don't exist. 4. You’re more accident prone (at least, tallness is what I’m blaming it on). It may be because our center of gravity is off, or maybe it’s just that we’re in closer proximity to things that can jump out of nowhere (like wildlife…or walls), but tall girls suffer from chronic clumsiness. True story. Let’s just take a look at some of the many “accidents” I’ve had to deal with:
5. Street performers always ALWAYS single us out as the people to mess with. They never go for people of average height, and you know why?? Because average height people don’t bring in the laughs. Think I’m wrong? Just look at Kramer.
6. You can never find long enough pants. No explanation needed.
AND there you have it. The plight of “Talls” the world over. So don’t ask us how the weather is “up there,” because you know what, jackass? It’s just f*cking peachy.
5. Street performers always ALWAYS single us out as the people to mess with. They never go for people of average height, and you know why?? Because average height people don’t bring in the laughs. Think I’m wrong? Just look at Kramer.
6. You can never find long enough pants. No explanation needed.
AND there you have it. The plight of “Talls” the world over. So don’t ask us how the weather is “up there,” because you know what, jackass? It’s just f*cking peachy.
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