So I'm a bit of a Type A personality. I think we have rules for a reason, and that if people abide by said rules, things tend to run smoothly. However, there are many unspoken rules just as important as the official ones, rules that provide us with a code when it comes to interacting with others. Why many among us have never learned those rules is a mystery to me, but those people exist, and they make it impossible for we orderly folk to get through a single weekday unscathed. I give you the four worst code-breaking offenders (in order of appearance):
Starbucks Newbies. First of all, how is this your first time at a Starbucks?! How could you have gone over twenty years (yes, the chain has been around that long) without ever having stepped foot in a Starbucks? You would think that, even if you didn’t love coffee, you would have at least ducked into one to see what all the fuss was about. Well, mon frere, I can tell you this: those of us who DO frequent the ‘Bux on a daily basis are not sympathetic to the fact that you don’t know what you’re doing. Lucky for you, the baristas as Starbucks don’t operate under a Soup Nazi mentality, but those of us that need caffeine to kick-start our mornings surely do. So the fact that you have chosen a weekday morning, pre 9:00 am, as your first Starbucks experience is both baffling and unacceptable. First, you are the lone obstacle standing between a line full of caffeine addicts and their drug of choice, and you are taking WAY too long to get out of the way. Of all the days you could have picked to visit a Starbucks, you picked a weekday MORNING, at a time when those that do have a morning routine are rushing to get their coffee and get into the office, so you are clearly an inconsiderate person with no ability to recognize human suffering. And second, do you REALLY need the barista to explain why they call a small a tall and a medium a grande? Who CARES??? That’s just the way it is, so order your stupid mocha frappucino at 8 am (which we know is what you’re going to pick, since it’s the “safe” first-Starbucks-experience choice) and GET. OUT. OF. THE. WAY. Thx.
Starbucks Newbies. First of all, how is this your first time at a Starbucks?! How could you have gone over twenty years (yes, the chain has been around that long) without ever having stepped foot in a Starbucks? You would think that, even if you didn’t love coffee, you would have at least ducked into one to see what all the fuss was about. Well, mon frere, I can tell you this: those of us who DO frequent the ‘Bux on a daily basis are not sympathetic to the fact that you don’t know what you’re doing. Lucky for you, the baristas as Starbucks don’t operate under a Soup Nazi mentality, but those of us that need caffeine to kick-start our mornings surely do. So the fact that you have chosen a weekday morning, pre 9:00 am, as your first Starbucks experience is both baffling and unacceptable. First, you are the lone obstacle standing between a line full of caffeine addicts and their drug of choice, and you are taking WAY too long to get out of the way. Of all the days you could have picked to visit a Starbucks, you picked a weekday MORNING, at a time when those that do have a morning routine are rushing to get their coffee and get into the office, so you are clearly an inconsiderate person with no ability to recognize human suffering. And second, do you REALLY need the barista to explain why they call a small a tall and a medium a grande? Who CARES??? That’s just the way it is, so order your stupid mocha frappucino at 8 am (which we know is what you’re going to pick, since it’s the “safe” first-Starbucks-experience choice) and GET. OUT. OF. THE. WAY. Thx.
Louis C. K. explain that he was the worst version of himself in his car, and I am, too. My road rage knows no bounds. I’m definitely not a perfect driver, but I take issue with what I consider to be unacceptable driver etiquette. For example, seeing a long line of cars in an exit lane on the freeway and trying to cut into that lane at the last minute pretending you didn’t see the line of cars (it's the pretending that gets me - like you "didn't know" that all those cars were in line to exit. Thank GOD I don’t have to get on a freeway to get to work, or there would be way more murder.), or pulling in front of someone going pretty fast only to then go slow when there was no one behind the person you cut off and you could have easily waited the two extra seconds, considering you’re clearly in no hurry to get anywhere. But I will relegate myself to discussing only those jerks who refuse to use a blinker when turning and/or switching lanes. Those turn signals exist for a reason. They are not there to turn your dashboard a party; they are there to give other drivers out there the benefit and courtesy of a heads up when you’ll be making a decision that affects their own driving. God said “let there be turn signals,” and car manufacturers everywhere obeyed...let's not go against God, mmkay? If you’re not using your signal, there can be only three possible explanations:
Drivers Bucking The Turn Signal . Oh man. OH MAN. These people are the WORST. I once heard - Your turn signal is broken. That’s fair, and pretty much the only acceptable reason not to use a turn signal. But unless it broke just a few minutes ago when you left your house, you shouldn’t be driving your defective vehicle.
- You think you’re better than everyone. News flash, Walter Cronkite: You AREN'T.
- You’re an idiot. Odds are you fall into category No. 3, and I hate you.
Bathroom Gossip Queens (as distinguished from ‘Gossip Queens, General’). Here’s the deal – I totally understand your love of all things gossip, I really do. I myself have been known to partake in a saucy discussion or two about the activities of people I know (both real and “fictional,” a la The Real Housewives of [fill in any city in America]) and am definitely curious to hear about you-know-who doing you-won’t-believe-what in front of you-guessed-it. But I’m pretty sure there are places to discuss those happenings other than in a workplace bathroom. And I KNOW for a fact they definitely aren’t interesting enough to warrant discussing across bathroom stalls when a) you know there is someone else in the bathroom and b) having heard the discussion, it is definitely not so important that it couldn’t wait the 3-5 minutes it would take you to do your business, wash your hands (please PLEASE wash your hands) and exit the scene. The fact that you are literally sitting on a toilet jibber-jabbering to someone two stalls down is both disgusting and unbelievable. There is no need to talk to anyone at that time. Focus on what you're doing and make a quick exit. Besides, wouldn’t you much rather discuss those happenings over a bottle of wine and a cheese plate? That’s what wine bars are for. I know, I just blew your minds. You’re welcome.
The Grocery Sloth. Unlike real sloths (which are sugar and spice and everything nice), the grocery sloth is a bottom feeder, scum-of-the-earth type. To me, these individuals can be viewed as nothing more than blob-like, bumbling objects standing between me and my couch after a long, LONG day at the office, which I can only liken to some dummy deliberately inserting himself between a bear and its cave: if you don’t move in an orderly fashion and quit blocking my exit, I will cut you. If you are in the grocery store, and in no hurry to get home, I ask only that you not stand in the direct middle of any isle, so as not to block the paths of other would-be passers-by. There is a way to go about your business without interrupting that of another person, and for those of you who understand this, I applaud you. But there is definitely a particular segment of society (i.e., the Grocery Sloth population) with a callous disregard for the time and patience of the people around them and who appear to actually go out of their way to treat the grocery store like a) their own personal fiefdom, where anything goes and the world revolves around them, or b) the Global Guts arena – I get that you're only out for No. 1, but the rules say you don’t win by slowing me down with your obstacles, and you surely don’t win by getting to the last greek yogurt before I do, because while you may get to take that trophy home, I have a feeling my claws in your back might make it a little less enjoyable.
So there you have it - the four people making the fantasy of a stress-free weekday unobtainable. How can you yourself help prevent such atrocities? Simple: in every situation you encounter, simply ask yourself "what would a human do," and just do that. Note: If you have to ask yourself this question, odds are you are one of the above offenders, but it's never to late to turn your life around. I believe in you!
So there you have it - the four people making the fantasy of a stress-free weekday unobtainable. How can you yourself help prevent such atrocities? Simple: in every situation you encounter, simply ask yourself "what would a human do," and just do that. Note: If you have to ask yourself this question, odds are you are one of the above offenders, but it's never to late to turn your life around. I believe in you!