ANYWAY, back to the matter at hand. I am a sucker for a beard. Now, mind you, I’ve dated some baby-faced men in my time, but those romances were short-lived. And you know why? Because they didn’t have beards (or they were crazy…one of the two). That’s not to say I’ve never been attracted to fresh-faced gentleman, but I can assure you I passive aggressively pressured each and every one of them to grow a beard at some point.
So what is it about this mystical facial growth that draws ladies in like a moth to a flame? Aside from the distinctive badge of manliness that one wears while sporting a beard? It’s the fact that a beard-owner is rarely, if ever, found inept at survival skills. Let’s take a look:
- Lumberjacks. Flannel. Work boots. Axes. These sultans of the tree world grow beards for a number of reasons: a) to protect their faces from the elements, b) to make the trees swoon, thereby eliminating the need for an axe altogether, and c) to mask themselves (Zorro-style) as they steal the hearts of young lasses the world over.
- Sea captains (and/or pirates). Swords. Sea skills. Smoldering eyes. The ability to kill a shark with their bare hands. Pirates. Are. HOT. Don't believe me?? I dare you to watch Black Sails and argue with that statement. You can't. It's a fact. The thing about pirates is, they live their lives on the edge. The rules of society don't apply to them. They're rebels. Better yet, they are the rebels of the sea. And they'll for sure take you on an adventure. I’d trust one of these swarthy gentleman to get me from port to port. FOR SURE.
- Ron Swanson. Woodworking. Whiskey. Wooing. Everything that a man should be. ‘Nuff said. Never was there a more manly, beard-sporting specimen than Ron Swanson. He can win you over with a simple, steely gaze over his whiskers. And that raspy, deep voice doesn't hurt either. He may only be a TV character, but the great news is Nick Offerman is REAL. And he is SPECTACULAR.
However, the beard “posers” are a totally different story. If you’re wearing skinny jeans, you probably shouldn’t sport a beard – it sends a conflicting message, as I’m pretty sure you can barely find your way out of said jeans, let alone survive on your pure grit alone in the wild.
I should also note that there is a beard tipping point – a point at which you surpass ruggedness and pure sex and cross over the line to unkempt and likely-smelly. Sometimes, that line can be blurry. Like when you’ve hosted a healthy dose of stubble for years and decide to begin growing it out. I get it – there is a necessary transition window for growing your beard out. However, I think a fair rule to live by is if your beard is long enough to have its own flair, it is too long.
Think I’m exaggerating? NOPE. There’s a whole segment of society out there that celebrates beard flair: